Author's Archive

Dear Tech Support,

Two years ago I upgraded from Boyfriend to Husband and noticed a distinct slowdown in overall system performance, particularly in the flower and jewelery applications, which operated flawlessly under Boyfriend.

In addition, Husband uninstalled many other valuable programs, such as Romance and Personal Attention and then installed undesirable programs such as Rugby, Football, Sailing and Continuous TV. Conversation no longer runs, and Housecleaning simply crashes the system. I’ve tried running Nagging to fix these problems, but to no avail.

What can I do?

Signed, Desperate
…………………………-

Dear Desperate,

First keep in mind, Boyfriend is an Entertainment Package, while Husband is an Operating System. Please enter the command: ‘http: I Thought You Loved Me.HTML and try to download Tears.

Don’t forget to install the Guilt update. If that application works as designed, Husband should then automatically run the applications Jewelery and Flowers, but remember – overuse of the above application can cause Husband to default to Grumpy Silence, Garden Shed or Beer. Beer is a very bad program that will download the Snoring Loudly Beta.

Whatever you do, DO NOT install Mother-in-law (it runs a virus in the background that will eventually seize control of all your system resources). Also, do not attempt to reinstall the Boyfriend program. These are unsupported applications and will crash Husband.

In summary, Husband is a great system, but it does have limited memory and cannot adapt to new applications quickly. It also tends to work better running one task at a time. You might consider buying additional software to improve memory and performance. We recommend Food and Hot Lingerie.

Good Luck,
Tech Support

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The Big Move to Massachusetts

August 15 – Moved to our new home in Massachusetts . It’s so beautiful here. The lake to the north looks so majestic. I can hardly wait to see it snow covered. I’m going to love it here!

October 14 – Massachusetts is definitely the most beautiful place on earth. The leaves have turned all the colors and shades of red and orange. Went for a ride through the park and saw some deer. They are so graceful. Certainly they are the most wonderful animals on earth. This must be paradise, I LOVE IT HERE!!!!

October 25 – Deer season will start soon. I can’t imagine anyone wanting to kill such a gorgeous animal. Hope it will snow soon. I love it here. Those red and orange leaves have covered my yard. Looks like a magnificent multi-colored carpet. HOW BEAUTIFUL. Raking and cleaning up the yard will be an opportunity for invigorating exercise in the cool crisp air.

November 1 – Ah, more leaves and more exercise.

November 8 – Jesus, still more leaves. Guess it’s best to wait until they’ve all fallen before I rake again.

November 15 – Finally, all of the trees lost their leaves and with today’s final raking it’s over for this season. Chiropractor suggested I use a lawn maintenance service next year. Only four blisters became infected. Should probably remember to use gloves.

November 30 – What the f–k? Where did all of those leaves come from? Had a little wind last night and the lawn is covered again.

Oh well, they’ll just have to wait until spring.

December 12 – It snowed last night, FINALLY. Woke up to find everything blanketed in white. It looks like a postcard.

We went outside and cleaned the snow off the steps and shoveled the driveway. Had a snowball fight (I won) and when the snowplow came by we had to shovel the end of the driveway again. What a beautiful place. I Love Massachusetts !

December 14 – More snow last night, I love it. The snow plow did his trick to the driveway again. I Love it here.

December 19 – More snow again last night. Can’t get out of the driveway. Can’t get to work. I’m exhausted from shoveling. F–king snowplow.

December 22 – More of that white shit fell again last night. As if dealing with the leaves weren’t bad enough, now I’ve got blisters all over my hands from shoveling, must remember to wear gloves. I think the snowplow hides around the corner and waits until I’m finished shoveling the driveway. The asshole.

December 25 – Merry F–king Christmas. More frigging snow. If I ever get my hands on that son-of-a-bitch who drives the snowplow, I swear I’ll kill the bastard. Don’t know why they don’t use more salt on the roads to melt the f–king ice.

December 27 – More white shit last night. Have been inside for three days except for shoveling out the driveway after that plow goes through every time. F–king gloves got wet and then froze on my hands. Doctor said it was just a mild case of frost bite, disfiguration is probably only temporary. Can’t go anywhere, car is stuck in a mountain of white shit. The weatherman says to expect another 10 inches of the shit tonight. Do you know how many shovels full of snow 10 inches is?

December 28 – The f–king weatherman was wrong. We got 34 inches of that white shit. At this rate it won’t melt ’till summer. The plow got stuck up the road and the bastard came to the door and asked to borrow a shovel. After I told him I’d already broken six of them shoveling all the shit he pushed into the driveway, I broke my last one on his f-king head.

January 4 – Finally got out of the house today. Went to the store to get food and on the way back I hit a damned deer that ran in front of my car. Did about $3000 damage. F–king beasts should be killed. Wish the hunters had killed them all last November.

March 3 – Took the car to the garage in town. The thing is rusting out from all the f–king salt they put all over the roads.

March 10 – Moved to Palm Springs, California. I can’t imagine why anyone in their right mind would ever live in that God forsaken state of Massachusetts .

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When I Turn 80

One day I had lunch with some friends. Jim, a tall, balding golfer type about 80 years old, came along with them—all in all, a pleasant bunch.

When the menus were presented, we ordered salads, sandwiches, and soups, except for Jim who said, “Ice Cream, please. Two scoops, chocolate.

I wasn’t sure my ears heard right, and the others were aghast. “Along with heated apple pie,” Jim added, completely unabashed.

We tried to act quite nonchalant, as if people did this all the time.. But when our orders were brought out, I didn’t enjoy mine.

I couldn’t take my eyes off Jim as his pie a-la-mode went down. The other guys couldn’t believe it. They ate their lunches silently and grinned.

The next time I went out to eat, I called and invited Jim. I lunched on white meat tuna. He ordered a parfait.

I smiled. He asked if he amused me.

I answered, “Yes, you do, but also you confuse me.

How come you order rich desserts, while I feel I must be sensible? He laughed and said “I’m tasting all that is Possible.

I try to eat the food I need, and do the things I should. But life’s so short, my friend, I hate missing out on something good.

This year I realized how old I was. (He grinned) I haven’t been this old before.”

“So, before I die, I’ve got to try those things that for years I had ignored.

I haven’t smelled all the flowers yet. There are too many trout streams I haven’t fished. There’s more fudge sundaes to wolf down and kites to be flown overhead.

There are too many golf courses I haven’t played. I’ve not laughed at all the jokes. I’ve missed a lot of sporting events and potato chips and cokes.

I want to wade again in water and feel ocean spray on my face. I want to sit in a country church once more and thank God for His grace.

I want peanut butter every day spread on my morning toast. I want un-timed long distance calls to the folks I love the most.

I haven’t cried at all the movies yet, or walked in the morning rain. I need to feel wind on my face. I want to be in love again.

So, if I choose to have dessert, instead of having dinner, then should I die before night fall, I’d say I died a winner, because I missed out on nothing. I filled my heart’s desire. I had that final chocolate mousse before my life expired..”

With that, I called the waitress over.. “I’ve changed my mind, ” I said. “I want what he is having, only add some more whipped cream!”

Be mindful that happiness isn’t based on possessions, power, or prestige, but on relationships with people we like and respect. Remember that while money talks, CHOCOLATE ICE CREAM SINGS!

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Little known event of 9-11-01 at the Pentagon attack . . .

A chaplain, who happened to be assigned to the Pentagon, told of an incident that happened right after Flight 77 hit the Pentagon.

A daycare facility inside the Pentagon had many children, including infants who were in heavy cribs. The daycare supervisor, looking at all the children they needed to evacuate, was in a panic over what they could do. There were many children, mostly toddlers, as well as the infants that would need to be taken out with the cribs.

There was no time to try to bundle them into carriers and strollers. Just then a young Marine came running into the center and asked what they needed. After hearing what the center director was trying to do, he ran back out into the hallway and disappeared. The director
thought, “Well, here we are, on our own.”

About 2 minutes later, that Marine returned with 40 other Marines in tow. Each of them grabbed a crib with a child, and the rest started gathering up toddlers. The director and her staff then helped them take all the children out of the center and down toward the park near
the Potomac and the Pentagon. Once they got about 3/4 of a mile outside the building, the Marines stopped in the park, and then did a fabulous thing- they formed a circle with the cribs, which were quite sturdy and heavy, like the covered wagons in the Old West. Inside this circle of cribs, they put the toddlers, to keep them from wandering off.

Outside this circle were the 40 Marines, forming a perimeter around the children and waiting for instructions. There they remained until the parents could be notified and come get their children.The chaplain then said, “I don’t think any of us saw nor heard of this on any of the news stories of the day. It was an incredible story of our men there. There wasn’t a dry eye in the room. The thought of those Marines and what they did and how fast they reacted; could we expect any less from them? It was one of the most touching stories from the Pentagon.

Remember Ronald Reagan’s great compliment: “Most of us wonder if our lives made any difference. Marines don’t have that problem.” God Bless the USA , our troops, and you.

It’s the Military, not the politicians that ensures our right to life, liberty and the pursuit of happiness.

It’s the Military who salutes the flag, who serves beneath the flag, and whose coffin is draped by the flag.

If you care to offer the smallest token of recognition and appreciation for the military, please pass this on and pray for our men and women, who have served and are currently serving our
country, and pray for those who have given the ultimate sacrifice for freedom.

SEMPER FI!

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Where did “Piss Poor” come from?

Interesting History

They used to use urine to tan animal skins, so families used to all pee in a pot & then once a day it was taken & Sold to the tannery…….if you had to do this to survive you were “Piss Poor”

But worse than that were the really poor folk who couldn’t even afford to buy a pot…..they “didn’t have a pot to piss in” & were the lowest of the low

The next time you are washing your hands and complain because the water temperature isn’t just how you like it, think about how things used to be. Here are some facts about the 1500s:

Most people got married in June because they took their yearly bath in May, and they still smelled pretty good by June. However, since they were starting to smell, brides carried a bouquet of flowers to hide the body odor.Hence the custom today of carrying a bouquet when getting married.

Baths consisted of a big tub filled with hot water. The man of the house had the privilege of the nice clean water, then all the other sons and men, then the women and finally the children. Last of all the babies. By then the water was so dirty you could actually lose someone in it.. Hence the saying, “Don’t throw the baby out with the Bath water!”

Houses had thatched roofs-thick straw-piled high, with no wood underneath. It was the only place for animals to get warm, so all the cats and other small animals (mice, bugs) lived in the roof. When it rained it became slippery and sometimes the animals would slip and fall off the roof…Hence the saying “It’s raining cats and dogs.”

There was nothing to stop things from falling into the house. This posed a real problem in the bedroom where bugs and other droppings could mess up your nice clean bed. Hence, a bed with big posts and a sheet hung over the top afforded some protection. That’s how canopy beds came into existence.

The floor was dirt. Only the wealthy had something other than dirt. Hence the saying, “Dirt poor.” The wealthy had slate floors that would get slippery in the winter when wet, so they spread thresh (straw), threshing machine, on floor to help keep their footing. As the winter wore on, they added more thresh until, when you opened the door, it would all start slipping outside. A piece of wood was placed in the entrance-way. Hence: a thresh hold.

(Getting quite an education, aren’t you?)

In those old days, they cooked in the kitchen with a big kettle that always hung over the fire.. Every day they lit the fire and added things to the pot. They ate mostly vegetables and did not get much meat. They would eat the stew for dinner, leaving leftovers in the pot to get cold overnight and then start over the next day. Sometimes stew had food in it that had been there for quite a while. Hence the rhyme: Peas porridge hot, peas porridge cold, peas porridge in the pot nine days old. Sometimes they could obtain pork, which made them feel quite special. When visitors came over, they would hang up their bacon to show off. It was a sign of wealth that a man could, “bring home the bacon.” They would cut off a little to share with guests and would all sit around and chew the fat.

Those with money had plates made of pewter. Food with high acid content caused some of the lead to leach onto the food, causing lead poisoning death. This happened most often with tomatoes, so for the next 400 years or so, tomatoes were considered poisonous.

Bread was divided according to status. Workers got the burnt bottom of the loaf, the family got the middle, and guests got the top, or the upper crust.

Lead cups were used to drink ale or whiskey. The combination would sometimes knock the imbibers out for a couple of days. Someone walking along the road would take them for dead and prepare them for burial. They were laid out on the kitchen table for a couple of days and the family would gather around and eat and drink and wait and see if they would wake up. Hence the custom of holding a wake.

England is old and small and the local folks started running out of places to bury people. So they would dig up coffins and would take the bones to a bone-house, and reuse the grave. When reopening these coffins, 1 out of 25 coffins were found to have scratch marks on the inside and they realized they had been burying people alive. So they would tie a string on the wrist of the corpse, lead it through the
coffin and up through the ground and tie it to a bell. Someone would have to sit out in the graveyard all night (the graveyard shift.) to listen for the bell; thus,someone could be, saved by the bell or was considered a dead ringer.

And that’s the truth….Now, whoever said History was boring!!!

So…get out there and educate someone! ~~~ Share these
facts with a friend.

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Timeless Irish Proverbs for the New Year

Here’s a few things to think about as we enter the New Year. These are timeless and right on point.

* Time is a great story teller.

* A friend’s eye is a good mirror.

* Even a small thorn causes festering.

* Good as drink is, it ends in thirst.

* It is a long road that has no turning.

* As the big hound is, so will the pup be.

* A trade not properly learned is an enemy.

* Put silk on a goat, and it’s still a goat.

* When the liquor was gone the fun was gone.

* There is no fireside like your own fireside.

* It is not a secret if it is known by three people.

* It takes time to build castles. Rome was not built in a day.

* The man with the boots does not mind where he places his foot.

* If you do not sow in the spring you will not reap in the autumn.

* When a twig grows hard it is difficult to twist it. Every beginning is weak.

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Irish Toasts for the Holidays

I have known many, liked not a few, loved only one, I drink to you.

May you live as long as you want, and never want as long as you live.

May the grass grow long on the road to hell for want of use.

May you live to be a hundred years, with one extra year to repent.

As you slide down the banisters of life may the splinters never point the wrong way.

May your troubles be as few and as far apart as my Grandmothers teeth.

May the roof above us never fall in, and may we friends gathered below never fall out.

May there be a generation of children on the children of your children.

May the Lord keep you in His hand and never close His fist too tight.

May your neighbors respect you, Trouble neglect you, The angels protect you, And heaven accept you.

May your pockets be heavy and your heart be light, may good luck pursue you each morning and night.

May the strength of three be in your journey.

In the New Year, may your right hand always be stretched out in friendship and never in want.

Here’s that we may always have a clean shirt, a clean conscience, and a dollar in our pocket.

May I see you gray and combing your children’s hair.

May you die in bed at ninety-five years, shot by a jealous husband (or wife).

May your doctor never earn a dollar out of you and may your heart never give out. May the ten toes of your feet steer you clear of all misfortune, and before you’re much older, may you hear much better toasts than this.

May you have the hindsight to know where you’ve been, the foresight to know where you’re going and the insight to know when you’re going too far.

May you be poor in misfortune, rich in blessings, slow to make enemies, quick to make friends. But rich or poor, quick or slow, may you know nothing but happiness from this day forward.

May the frost never afflict your spuds. May the outside leaves of your cabbage always be free from worms. May the crow never pick your haystack, and may your donkey always be in foal.

May the sound of happy music, And the lilt of Irish laughter, fill your heart with gladness, that stays forever after.

May the hinges of our friendship never grow rusty.

May you live long, Die happy, And rate a mansion in heaven.

Beautiful young people are acts of nature, But beautiful old people are works of art.

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What we can Learn from Our Children

Author and lecturer Leo Buscaglia once talked about a contest he was asked to judge. The purpose of the contest was to find the most caring child.

The winner was:

A four-year-old child, whose next door neighbor was an elderly gentleman, who had recently lost his wife. Upon seeing the man cry, the little boy went into the old Gentleman’s’ yard, climbed onto his lap, and just sat there.

When his mother asked him what he had said to the neighbor, the little boy just said, ‘Nothing, I just helped him cry.’

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Teacher Debbie Moon’s first graders were discussing a picture of a family. One little boy in the picture had a different hair color than the other members. One of her students suggested that he was adopted.

A little girl said, ‘I know all about Adoption, I was adopted..’

‘What does it mean to be adopted?’, asked another child.

‘It means’, said the girl, ‘that you grew in your mommy’s heart instead of her tummy!’

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On my way home one day, I stopped to watch a Little League baseball game that was being played in a park near my home. As I sat down behind the bench on the first-base line, I asked one of the boys what the score was ‘We’re behind 14 to nothing,’ he answered With a smile.

‘Really,’ I said. ‘I have to say you don’t look very discouraged.’

‘Discouraged?’, the boy asked with a puzzled look on his face…

‘Why should we be discouraged? We haven’t been up to bat yet.’

*********************** **********************

Whenever I’m disappointed with my spot in life, I stop and think about little Jamie Scott.

Jamie was trying out for a part in the school play. His mother told me that he’d set his heart on being in it, though she feared he would not be chosen.

On the day the parts were awarded, I went with her to collect him after school. Jamie rushed up to her, eyes shining with pride and excitement.. ‘Guess what, Mom,’ he shouted, and then said those words that will remain a lesson to me….’I've been chosen to clap and cheer.’

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An eye witness account from New York City , on a cold day in December, some years ago: A little boy, about 10-years-old, was standing before a shoe store on the roadway, barefooted, peering through the window, and shivering With cold.

A lady approached the young boy and said, ‘My, but you’re in such deep thought staring in that window!’

‘I was asking God to give me a pair of shoes,’ was the boy’s reply.

The lady took him by the hand, went into the store, and asked the clerk to get half a dozen pairs of socks for the boy. She then asked if he could give her a basin of water and a towel. He quickly brought them to her.

She took the little fellow to the back part of the store and, removing her gloves, knelt down, washed his little feet, and dried them with the towel.

By this time, the clerk had returned with the socks.. Placing a pair upon the boy’s feet, she purchased him a pair of shoes.

She tied up the remaining pairs of socks and gave them to him.. She patted him on the head and said, ‘No doubt, you will be more comfortable now.’

As she turned to go, the astonished child caught her by the hand, and looking up into her face, with tears in his eyes, asked her,

‘Are you God’s wife?’

*********************************************

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Why You Never Question a Drunk…

A woman was shopping at the local supermarket where she selected:

A half-gallon of 2% milk
A carton of eggs
A quart of orange juice
A head of lettuce
A 2 lb. can of coffee
A 1 lb. package of bacon

As she was unloading her items on the conveyor belt to check out, a drunk standing behind her watched as she placed the items in front of the cashier. While the cashier was ringing up the purchases, the drunk calmly stated, ‘You must be single.’

The woman was a bit startled by this proclamation, but was intrigued by the derelict’s intuition, since she indeed had never found Mr. Right. She looked at the six items on the belt and saw nothing particularly unusual about the selections that could have tipped off the drunk to her marital status..

Curiosity getting the better of her, she said , ‘Yes you are correct . But how on earth did you know that?’

The drunk replied, ‘Cause you’re ugly.

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Guys Weekend Away

Four friends spent weeks planning the perfect desert camping and riding trip. Two days before the group is to leave Rob’s wife puts her foot down and tells him he isn’t going.

Rob’s friends are very upset that he can’t go, but what can they do?

Two days later the three get to the camping site only to find Rob sitting there with a tent set up, firewood gathered, and supper cooking on the fire.

“Dang man, how long you been here and how did you talk your wife into letting you go?”

“Well, I’ve been here since yesterday. Yesterday evening I was sitting in my chair and my wife came up behind me and put her hands over my eyes and said ‘guess who’?”

I pulled her hands off and she was wearing a brand new see-through nightie. She took my hand and led me to our bedroom. The room had two dozen candles and rose petals all over. She had handcuffs and ropes, told me to tie and cuff her to the bed, and I did. Then she said, “Now, you can do whatever you want.”

So here I am.

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