Author's Archive

Inner Peace

If you can start the day without caffeine,

If you can always be cheerful, ignoring aches and pains,

If you can resist complaining and boring people with your troubles,

If you can eat the same food every day and be grateful for it,

If you can understand when your loved ones are too busy to give you any time,

If you can take criticism and blame without resentment,

If you can conquer tension without medical help,

If you can relax without alcohol,

If you can sleep without the aid of drugs,

…Then You Are Probably ……….

The Family Dog!

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Men vs Women – Who Reigns Supreme?

NICKNAMES

If Laura, Suzanne, Debra and Rose go out for lunch, they will call each other Laura, Suzanne, Debra and Rose.

If Mike, Charlie, Bob and John go out, they will affectionately refer to each other as Fat Boy, Godzilla, Peanut-Head and Scrappy.

———-
EATING OUT

When the bill arrives, Mike, Charlie, Bob and John will each throw in $20, even though it’s only for $32.50. None of them will have anything smaller, and none will actually admit they want change back.

When the girls get their bill, out come the pocket calculators.

———-
MONEY

A man will pay $2 for a $1 item he wants.

A woman will pay $1 for a $2 item that she doesn’t want.

———-
BATHROOMS

A man has six items in his bathroom: a toothbrush, shaving cream, razor, a bar of soap, and a towel from the Holiday Inn.

The average number of items in the typical woman’s bathroom is 337. A man would not be able to identify most of these items.

———-
ARGUMENTS

A woman has the last word in any argument.

Anything a man says after that is the beginning of a new argument.

———-
FUTURE

A woman worries about the future until she gets a husband.

A man never worries about the future until he gets a wife.

———-
SUCCESS

A successful man is one who makes more money than his wife can spend.

A successful woman is one who can find such a man.

———-
MARRIAGE

A woman marries a man expecting he will change, but he doesn’t.

A man marries a woman expecting that she won’t change and she does.

———-
DRESSING UP

A woman will dress up to go shopping, water the plants, empty the garbage, answer the phone, read a book, and get the mail.

A man will dress up for weddings and funerals.

———-
NATURAL

Men wake up as good-looking as they went to bed.

Women somehow deteriorate during the night.

———-
OFFSPRING

Ah, children. A woman knows all about her children. She knows about dentist appointments and romances, best friends, favorite foods, secret fears and hopes and dreams.

A man is vaguely aware of some short people living in the house.

———-
THOUGHT FOR THE DAY

Any married man should forget his mistakes. There’s no use in two people remembering the same thing.

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Sincerely …

Dear Noah,
We could have sworn you said the ark wasn’t leaving till 5.
Sincerely,
Unicorns

Dear Twilight fans,
Please realize that because vampires are dead and have no blood pumping
through them, they can never get an erection.
Enjoy fantasizing about that.
Sincerely,
Logic

Dear Icebergs,
Sorry to hear about the global warming. Karma’s a bitch.
Sincerely,
The Titanic

Dear J.K. Rowling,
Your books are entirely unrealistic.. I mean, a ginger kid with two friends?
Sincerely,
Anonymous

Dear America,
You produced Miley Cyrus. Bieber is your punishment.
Sincerely,
Canada

Dear Yahoo,
I’ve never heard anyone say, “I don’t know, let’s Yahoo! it…” just
saying…
Sincerely,
Google

Dear 2010,
So I hear the best rapper is white and the president is black? WTF
happened?!
Sincerely,
1985

Dear Windshield Wipers,
Can’t touch this.
Sincerely,
That Little Triangle

Dear Rose,
There was definitely room on that Door for the both of us.
Sincerely,
Jack
PS, you let go

Dear girls who have been dumped,
There are plenty of fish in the sea… Just kidding! They’re all dead.
Sincerely,
BP

Dear Saturn,
I liked it, so I put a ring on it.
Sincerely,
God

Dear Fox News,
So far, no news about foxes.
Sincerely,
Unimpressed

Dear Michael Jackson,
You really should have became a Catholic Priest. The pay isn’t great, but
the benefits….
Sincerely, The Pope

Dear jf;ldsfa/kvsmmklnn,
Please lknvfdmv.xvn.
Sincerely, Stevie Wonder

Dear Nickleback,
That’s enough.
Sincerely, The World

Dear Skin-Colored Band Aids,
Please make one for every skin color.
Sincerely, Black people

Dear Scissors,
I feel your pain…..no one wants to run with me either.
Sincerely, Sarah Palin

Dear Mary,
Just admit that you slept with someone else. This is getting out of hand.
Sincerely, Joseph

Dear Osama Bin Laden,
Marco….
Sincerely, United States

Dear World of Warcraft,
Thank you for ensuring my son’s virginity.
Sincerely, Parents Everywhere

Dear Batman,
What was your power again?
Sincerely, Superman

Dear Customers,
Yes, we ARE making fun of you in Vietnamese.
Sincerely, Nail Salon Ladies

Dear Global Warming,
You’re the best imaginary friend ever!
Sincerely, Al Gore

Dear Ugly People,
You’re welcome.
Sincerely, Alcohol

Dear Mr. Gump
WTF are you talking about? There’s a little diagram on the lid that tells
you EXACTLY what you’re gonna get….
Sincerely, Jenny

Dear Katy Perry,
I liked the kiss too.
Sincerely, Justin Beiber

Dear Haiti,
Is it too early to ask what’s shakin’?
Sincerely,
Seriously Going To Hell

Dear Martin Luther King Jr.
I have a dream within a dream within a dream within another dream…. What
now?
Sincerely,
Leonardo Di Caprio

Dear World,
Please stop freaking out about 2012. Our calendars ends there because some
Spanish d-bags invaded our country and we got a little busy ok?
Sincerely,
The Mayans

Dear Snooki,
GET BACK TO WORK!
Sincerely,
Willy Wonka

Dear White People,
Don’t you just hate immigrants?
Sincerely,
Native Americans

Dear iPhone,
Please stop spellchecking all of my rude words into nice words. You piece of
shut.
Sincerely,
Every iPhone User

Dear Giant Spider on the Wall,
Please die. Please die. Please die. Please die. CRAP! Where did you go?
Sincerely,
Terrified

Dear Trash,
At least you get picked up…
Sincerely,
The Girls of Jersey Shore

Dear Man,
It’s cute, but can you pick up peanuts with it?
Sincerely,
Elephant

Dear Dr. Phil,
Look man, there’s only room for one fake doctor in this world and I was here
first.
Sincerely,
Dr. Pepper

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A Good Idea Gone Bad

Since the dawn of time, mankind has dreamed of saving the world using alcohol. And for a while in the mid-2000s, when biofuel use became a big issue, it looked like it might finally happen. Ethanol fuel, an alcohol-based alternative to gasoline, gave us the chance to cultivate our own fuel sources rather than rely on foreign oil imports. Even better, you can make ethanol out of pretty much anything: grains, table scraps, grass clippings, crop waste — really, any substance that has ever been secretly fermented in a prison toilet can probably be used to power your car.

America was faced with a choice: Put time and effort into the research and development of advanced, sustainable biofuels, or say “fuck it” and just make ethanol out of the stuff we make everything out of: corn. Guess which one we chose?

Today, over 90 percent of America’s ethanol is produced from corn, an industry propped up by government mandates and a federal subsidy of around $5.6 billion a year. This is despite the fact that growing corn uses a ridiculously large amount of water, causes epic erosion and requires a nitrogen-rich fertilizer that has been linked to algae blooms and huge aquatic “dead zones” in the Gulf of Mexico.

Given all that, you’d hope that it at least works, right? Nope! Adding corn ethanol to gasoline makes cars less energy-efficient, and producing it actually requires about 30 percent more energy than we can get out of it. In other words, not only does this type of ethanol fail to reduce our energy consumption, it actually increases it. To top it off, corn-based products that until recently would have ended up inside people have instead been going into SUV gas tanks. This has caused a massive worldwide increase in produce prices, as we literally burn people’s food in order to get ourselves to the store so we can buy more food.

Meanwhile, less-developed biofuel alternatives like algae biodiesel or cellulosic ethanol have struggled to compete for attention and funding. Both of these are thought to be more efficient than corn and aren’t derived from food products, but they’re sorely lacking in spiteful irony and so have gone largely uncultivated. Recently, there have been efforts to cut down on corn ethanol subsidies, but they’ve been opposed at every step by politicians from corn-producing Midwestern states, who have all eerily developed a sudden love for the environment.

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I’m Not That Old, Am I?

HAVE YOU EVER BEEN GUILTY OF LOOKING AT OTHERS YOUR OWN AGE

AND THINKING, SURELY I CAN’T LOOK THAT OLD.

WELL

. . . YOU’LL LOVE THIS ONE.

MY NAME IS ALICE , AND I WAS SITTING IN THE WAITING ROOM FOR

MY FIRST APPOINTMENT WITH A NEW DENTIST.

I NOTICED HIS DDS DIPLOMA ON THE WALL, WHICH BORE HIS FULL

NAME. SUDDENLY, I REMEMBERED A TALL, HANDSOME, DARK-HAIRED BOY

WITH THE SAME NAME HAD BEEN IN MY HIGH SCHOOL CLASS SOME 40-ODD

YEARS AGO.

COULD HE BE THE SAME GUY THAT I HAD A SECRET CRUSH ON, WAY BACK

THEN?

UPON SEEING HIM, HOWEVER, I QUICKLY DISCARDED ANY SUCH

THOUGHT.

THIS BALDING, GRAY-HAIRED MAN WITH THE DEEPLY LINED FACE WAS

WAY TOO OLD TO HAVE BEEN MY CLASSMATE.

AFTER HE EXAMINED MY TEETH, I ASKED HIM IF HE HAD ATTENDED

MORGAN PARK HIGH SCHOOL ..

‘YES. YES, I DID. I’M A MUSTANG,’ HE GLEAMED WITH PRIDE.

WHEN DID YOU GRADUATE?’ I ASKED.

HE ANSWERED, ‘IN 1975. WHY DO YOU ASK?’

‘YOU WERE IN MY CLASS!’, I EXCLAIMED.

HE LOOKED AT ME CLOSELY.

THEN, THAT

UGLY,

OLD,

BALD,

WRINKLED-FACED,

FAT-ASSED,

GRAY-HAIRED,

DECREPIT

S-O-B

ASKED,

‘WHAT DID YOU TEACH???

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Weird Wedding Guest Requests

Wedding guests can be pretty demanding. These particular requests from wedding guests were so strange that they left the bride and groom scratching their heads.

“The most ridiculous request was for a Blue Angels flyover for our wedding. Who do they think we are, the President?”

“When I asked one friend to be a bridesmaid she demanded three things: Change the date, change the location and give her 31 days to pray about whether she would be a bridesmaid or go to a concert.”

“My groom’s Uncle Ralph requested that sections of ‘Self-Reliance’ be read as part of the ceremony. I believe he felt a special kinship to Emerson, based solely on their shared first names. How inappropriate is it to read an essay on independence at the celebration of the joining of two persons?”

“One guest wanted a bowl of kibble and water for their puppy”

“One guest said, ‘Our 5-year-old daughter is a vegan. Can you have the chef prepare her a pasta plate with vegetables?’”

“We were asked if we could have ice cream cake at our wedding.”

“We were asked to invite ‘as many eligible men as we could find because it’s just too hard to meet people.’”

“One of our wedding guests asked if we could move up our wedding by three months so she could attend. It was at that point we decided to cut the guest list by half.”

“We are getting married by a lake and have had guests ask us if they could wear swim suits and swim in the lake during our wedding.”

“I had a guest (a single guy) ask if he could bring two dates (one for each arm), or if he could pick up the second one at the wedding.”

“My maid-of-honor asked if she could pay my photographer extra money to stay and take pictures of her and her sister (my other bridesmaid) after the wedding.”

“Our guests want to bring more guests — people we don’t even know or have ever heard of. One guy went to his job and told everyone there, and we are getting calls and emails from strangers requesting to come. One person was already a friend of a friend, now the friend of the friend is bringing a friend!”

“I invited a guest who I had gone to school with, and she asked what colors the wedding party was wearing so that she could match!”

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Irish Blessing – Happy St. Patrick’s Day

May the road rise to meet you,
May the wind be always at your back,
May the sun shine warm upon your face,
The rains fall soft upon your fields and,
Until we meet again,
May God hold you in the palm of His hand.

May you always have walls for the winds,
a roof for the rain, tea beside the fire,
laughter to cheer you, those you love near you,
and all your heart might desire.

May you have love that never ends,
lots of money, and lots of friends.
Health be yours, whatever you do,
and may God send many blessings to you!

May the sun shine, all day long,
everything go right, and nothing wrong.
May those you love bring love back to you,
and may all the wishes you wish come true!

May your feet never sweat,
your neighbor give you ne’re a treat.
When flowers bloom, I hope you’ll not sneeze,
and may you always have someone to sqeeze!

May St. Patrick guard you wherever you go,
and guide you in whatever you do–
and may his loving protection be a blessing to you always.

May you have:
A world of wishes at your command.
God and his angels close to hand.
Friends and family their love impart,
and Irish blessings in your heart!

May you alway walk in sunshine.
May you never want for more.
May Irish angels rest their wings right beside your door.

May God grant you many years to live,
For sure he must be knowing.
The earth has angels all too few.
And heaven is overflowing.

May you have the hindsight to know where you’ve been
the foresight to know where you’re going
and the insight to know when you’re going too far.

May God grant you always…
A sunbeam to warm you,
A moonbeam to charm you,
A sheltering angel, so nothing can harm you.

May you have warm words on a cold evening,
a full moon on a dark night,
and the road downhill all the way to your door.

May your pockets be heavy and your heart be light.
May good luck pursue you each morning and night.

For each petal on the shamrock.
This brings a wish your way
Good health, good luck, and happiness
For today and every day.

May the Irish hills caress you.
May her lakes and rivers bless you.
May the luck of the Irish enfold you.
May the blessings of Saint Patrick behold you.

May peace and plenty be the first,
To lift the latch to your door.
And happiness be guided to your home,
By the candle of Christmas.

May the embers from the open hearth warm your hands,
May the sun’s rays from the Irish sky warm your face,
May the children’s bright smiles warm your heart,
May the everlasting love I give you warm your soul.

May you always have work for your hands to do.
May your pockets hold always a coin or two.
May the sun shine bright on your windowpane.
May the rainbow be certain to follow each rain.
May the hand of a friend always be near you.
And may God fill your heart with gladness to cheer you.

May your thoughts be as glad as the shamrocks,
May your heart be as light as a song,
May each day bring you bright, happy hours,
That stay with you all the year long.

Leprechauns, castles, good luck and laughter.
Lullabies, dreams and love ever after.
A thousand welcomes when anyone comes…
That’s the Irish for You!

May the good saints protect you,
And bless you today.
And may troubles ignore you,
Each step of the way.

May joy and peace surround you,
Contentment latch your door,
And happiness be with you now,
And bless you evermore.

May the saint protect ye-
An’ sorrow neglect ye,
An’ bad luck to the one
That doesn’t respect ye
t’ all that belong to ye,
An long life t’ yer honor-
That’s the end of my song t’ ye!

May good luck be your friend
IN whatever you do.
And may trouble be always
A stranger to you.

May your blessings outnumber
The Shamrocks that grow.
And may trouble avoid you
Wherever you go.

These things, I warmly wish for you-
Someone to love, some work to do,
A bit of o’ sun, a bit o’ cheer.
And a guardian angel always near.

Whenever there is happiness
Hope you’ll be there too,
Wherever there are friendly smiles
Hope they’ll smile on you,
Whenever there is sunshine,
Hope it shine especially for you to make each day
for you as bright as it can be.

May your troubles be less,
And your blessing be more.
And nothing but happiness,
Come through your door.

May brooks and trees and singing hills
Join in the chorus too,
And every gentle wind that blows
Send happiness to you.

Lucky stars above you,
Sunshine on your way,
Many friends to love you,
Joy in work and play-
Laughter to outweigh each care,
In your heart a song-
And gladness waiting everywhere
All your whole life long!

When the first light of sun-
Bless you.
When the long day is done-
Bless you.
In your smiles and your tears-
Bless you.
Through each day of your years-
Bless you.

May the raindrops fall lightly on your brow.
May the soft winds freshen your spirit.
May the sunshine brighten your heart
May the burdens of the day rest lightly upon you.
And may God enfold you in the mantle of His love.

He who loses money, loses much;
He who loses a friend, loses more;
He who loses faith, loses all.

May you enjoy the four greatest blessings:
Honest work to occupy you.
A hearty appetite to sustain you.
A good woman to love you.
And a wink from the God above.

May the wings of the butterfly kiss the sun.
And find your shoulder to light on.
To bring you luck, happiness and riches.
Today, tomorrow and beyond.

May you live a long life
Full of gladness and health,
With a pocket full of gold
As the least of you wealth.
May the dreams you hold dearest,
Be those which come true,
The kindness you spread,
Keep returning to you.

May the friendships you make,
Be those which endure,
And all of your grey clouds
Be small ones for sure.
And trusting in Him
To Whom we all pray,
May a song fill your heart,
Every step of the way.

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STC (Senior Texting Codes)

Since more and more Seniors are texting and tweeting, there appears to be a need for STC (Senior Texting Codes). Here are a few to get us started:

ATD: At The Doctor’s
BFF: Best Friend Fainted
BTW: Bring The Wheelchair
BYOT: Bring Your Own Teeth
CBM: Covered By Medicare
CUATSC: See You At The Senior Center
DWI: Driving While Incontinent
FWBB: Friend With Beta Blockers
FWIW: Forgot Where I Was
FYI: Found Your Insulin
GGPBL: Gotta Go, Pacemaker Battery Low!
GHA: Got Heartburn Again
HGBM: Had Good Bowel Movement
IMHO: Is My Hearing-Aid On?
LMDO: Laughing My Dentures Out
LOL: Living On Lipitor
LWO: Lawrence Welk’s On
OMMR: On My Massage Recliner
OMSG: Oh My! Sorry, Gas.
ROTFL…CGU: Rolling On The Floor Laughing…and Can’t Get Up
SGGP: Sorry, Gotta Go Poop
TTYL: Talk To You Louder
WAITT: Who Am I Talking To?
WTFA: Wet The Furniture Again
WTP: Where’s The Prunes?
WWNO: Walker Wheels Need Oil

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Irish Birth Control

Mrs. Donovan was walking down O’Connell Street in Dublin
when she met up with Father Flaherty.

The Father said, ‘Top o’ the mornin to ye!

Aren’t ye Mrs. Donovan and didn’t I marry ye
and yer hoosband two years ago?’

She replied, ‘Aye, that ye did, Father.’

The Father asked, ‘And be there
any wee little ones yet?’

She replied, ‘No, not yet, Father.’

The Father said, ‘Well now,
I’m going to Rome next week
and I’ll light a fertility candle for ye
and yer hoosband.’

She replied, ‘Oh, thank ye, Father…’
They then parted ways..

Some years later they met again.
The Father asked, ‘Well now,
Mrs. Donovan, how are ye these days?’
She replied, ‘Oh, very well, Father!’
The Father asked, ‘And tell me ,
have ye any wee ones yet?’

She replied, ‘Oh yes, Father!
Two sets of twins and six singles,
ten in all!’

The Father said, ‘That’s wonderful!
How is yer loving hoosband doing?’

She replied, ‘E’s gone to Rome
to blow out yer fookin’ candle!’

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Dear Tech Support,

Two years ago I upgraded from Boyfriend to Husband and noticed a distinct slowdown in overall system performance, particularly in the flower and jewelery applications, which operated flawlessly under Boyfriend.

In addition, Husband uninstalled many other valuable programs, such as Romance and Personal Attention and then installed undesirable programs such as Rugby, Football, Sailing and Continuous TV. Conversation no longer runs, and Housecleaning simply crashes the system. I’ve tried running Nagging to fix these problems, but to no avail.

What can I do?

Signed, Desperate
…………………………-

Dear Desperate,

First keep in mind, Boyfriend is an Entertainment Package, while Husband is an Operating System. Please enter the command: ‘http: I Thought You Loved Me.HTML and try to download Tears.

Don’t forget to install the Guilt update. If that application works as designed, Husband should then automatically run the applications Jewelery and Flowers, but remember – overuse of the above application can cause Husband to default to Grumpy Silence, Garden Shed or Beer. Beer is a very bad program that will download the Snoring Loudly Beta.

Whatever you do, DO NOT install Mother-in-law (it runs a virus in the background that will eventually seize control of all your system resources). Also, do not attempt to reinstall the Boyfriend program. These are unsupported applications and will crash Husband.

In summary, Husband is a great system, but it does have limited memory and cannot adapt to new applications quickly. It also tends to work better running one task at a time. You might consider buying additional software to improve memory and performance. We recommend Food and Hot Lingerie.

Good Luck,
Tech Support

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