Archive for March, 2011

I’m Not That Old, Am I?

HAVE YOU EVER BEEN GUILTY OF LOOKING AT OTHERS YOUR OWN AGE

AND THINKING, SURELY I CAN’T LOOK THAT OLD.

WELL

. . . YOU’LL LOVE THIS ONE.

MY NAME IS ALICE , AND I WAS SITTING IN THE WAITING ROOM FOR

MY FIRST APPOINTMENT WITH A NEW DENTIST.

I NOTICED HIS DDS DIPLOMA ON THE WALL, WHICH BORE HIS FULL

NAME. SUDDENLY, I REMEMBERED A TALL, HANDSOME, DARK-HAIRED BOY

WITH THE SAME NAME HAD BEEN IN MY HIGH SCHOOL CLASS SOME 40-ODD

YEARS AGO.

COULD HE BE THE SAME GUY THAT I HAD A SECRET CRUSH ON, WAY BACK

THEN?

UPON SEEING HIM, HOWEVER, I QUICKLY DISCARDED ANY SUCH

THOUGHT.

THIS BALDING, GRAY-HAIRED MAN WITH THE DEEPLY LINED FACE WAS

WAY TOO OLD TO HAVE BEEN MY CLASSMATE.

AFTER HE EXAMINED MY TEETH, I ASKED HIM IF HE HAD ATTENDED

MORGAN PARK HIGH SCHOOL ..

‘YES. YES, I DID. I’M A MUSTANG,’ HE GLEAMED WITH PRIDE.

WHEN DID YOU GRADUATE?’ I ASKED.

HE ANSWERED, ‘IN 1975. WHY DO YOU ASK?’

‘YOU WERE IN MY CLASS!’, I EXCLAIMED.

HE LOOKED AT ME CLOSELY.

THEN, THAT

UGLY,

OLD,

BALD,

WRINKLED-FACED,

FAT-ASSED,

GRAY-HAIRED,

DECREPIT

S-O-B

ASKED,

‘WHAT DID YOU TEACH???

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Weird Wedding Guest Requests

Wedding guests can be pretty demanding. These particular requests from wedding guests were so strange that they left the bride and groom scratching their heads.

“The most ridiculous request was for a Blue Angels flyover for our wedding. Who do they think we are, the President?”

“When I asked one friend to be a bridesmaid she demanded three things: Change the date, change the location and give her 31 days to pray about whether she would be a bridesmaid or go to a concert.”

“My groom’s Uncle Ralph requested that sections of ‘Self-Reliance’ be read as part of the ceremony. I believe he felt a special kinship to Emerson, based solely on their shared first names. How inappropriate is it to read an essay on independence at the celebration of the joining of two persons?”

“One guest wanted a bowl of kibble and water for their puppy”

“One guest said, ‘Our 5-year-old daughter is a vegan. Can you have the chef prepare her a pasta plate with vegetables?’”

“We were asked if we could have ice cream cake at our wedding.”

“We were asked to invite ‘as many eligible men as we could find because it’s just too hard to meet people.’”

“One of our wedding guests asked if we could move up our wedding by three months so she could attend. It was at that point we decided to cut the guest list by half.”

“We are getting married by a lake and have had guests ask us if they could wear swim suits and swim in the lake during our wedding.”

“I had a guest (a single guy) ask if he could bring two dates (one for each arm), or if he could pick up the second one at the wedding.”

“My maid-of-honor asked if she could pay my photographer extra money to stay and take pictures of her and her sister (my other bridesmaid) after the wedding.”

“Our guests want to bring more guests — people we don’t even know or have ever heard of. One guy went to his job and told everyone there, and we are getting calls and emails from strangers requesting to come. One person was already a friend of a friend, now the friend of the friend is bringing a friend!”

“I invited a guest who I had gone to school with, and she asked what colors the wedding party was wearing so that she could match!”

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Irish Blessing – Happy St. Patrick’s Day

May the road rise to meet you,
May the wind be always at your back,
May the sun shine warm upon your face,
The rains fall soft upon your fields and,
Until we meet again,
May God hold you in the palm of His hand.

May you always have walls for the winds,
a roof for the rain, tea beside the fire,
laughter to cheer you, those you love near you,
and all your heart might desire.

May you have love that never ends,
lots of money, and lots of friends.
Health be yours, whatever you do,
and may God send many blessings to you!

May the sun shine, all day long,
everything go right, and nothing wrong.
May those you love bring love back to you,
and may all the wishes you wish come true!

May your feet never sweat,
your neighbor give you ne’re a treat.
When flowers bloom, I hope you’ll not sneeze,
and may you always have someone to sqeeze!

May St. Patrick guard you wherever you go,
and guide you in whatever you do–
and may his loving protection be a blessing to you always.

May you have:
A world of wishes at your command.
God and his angels close to hand.
Friends and family their love impart,
and Irish blessings in your heart!

May you alway walk in sunshine.
May you never want for more.
May Irish angels rest their wings right beside your door.

May God grant you many years to live,
For sure he must be knowing.
The earth has angels all too few.
And heaven is overflowing.

May you have the hindsight to know where you’ve been
the foresight to know where you’re going
and the insight to know when you’re going too far.

May God grant you always…
A sunbeam to warm you,
A moonbeam to charm you,
A sheltering angel, so nothing can harm you.

May you have warm words on a cold evening,
a full moon on a dark night,
and the road downhill all the way to your door.

May your pockets be heavy and your heart be light.
May good luck pursue you each morning and night.

For each petal on the shamrock.
This brings a wish your way
Good health, good luck, and happiness
For today and every day.

May the Irish hills caress you.
May her lakes and rivers bless you.
May the luck of the Irish enfold you.
May the blessings of Saint Patrick behold you.

May peace and plenty be the first,
To lift the latch to your door.
And happiness be guided to your home,
By the candle of Christmas.

May the embers from the open hearth warm your hands,
May the sun’s rays from the Irish sky warm your face,
May the children’s bright smiles warm your heart,
May the everlasting love I give you warm your soul.

May you always have work for your hands to do.
May your pockets hold always a coin or two.
May the sun shine bright on your windowpane.
May the rainbow be certain to follow each rain.
May the hand of a friend always be near you.
And may God fill your heart with gladness to cheer you.

May your thoughts be as glad as the shamrocks,
May your heart be as light as a song,
May each day bring you bright, happy hours,
That stay with you all the year long.

Leprechauns, castles, good luck and laughter.
Lullabies, dreams and love ever after.
A thousand welcomes when anyone comes…
That’s the Irish for You!

May the good saints protect you,
And bless you today.
And may troubles ignore you,
Each step of the way.

May joy and peace surround you,
Contentment latch your door,
And happiness be with you now,
And bless you evermore.

May the saint protect ye-
An’ sorrow neglect ye,
An’ bad luck to the one
That doesn’t respect ye
t’ all that belong to ye,
An long life t’ yer honor-
That’s the end of my song t’ ye!

May good luck be your friend
IN whatever you do.
And may trouble be always
A stranger to you.

May your blessings outnumber
The Shamrocks that grow.
And may trouble avoid you
Wherever you go.

These things, I warmly wish for you-
Someone to love, some work to do,
A bit of o’ sun, a bit o’ cheer.
And a guardian angel always near.

Whenever there is happiness
Hope you’ll be there too,
Wherever there are friendly smiles
Hope they’ll smile on you,
Whenever there is sunshine,
Hope it shine especially for you to make each day
for you as bright as it can be.

May your troubles be less,
And your blessing be more.
And nothing but happiness,
Come through your door.

May brooks and trees and singing hills
Join in the chorus too,
And every gentle wind that blows
Send happiness to you.

Lucky stars above you,
Sunshine on your way,
Many friends to love you,
Joy in work and play-
Laughter to outweigh each care,
In your heart a song-
And gladness waiting everywhere
All your whole life long!

When the first light of sun-
Bless you.
When the long day is done-
Bless you.
In your smiles and your tears-
Bless you.
Through each day of your years-
Bless you.

May the raindrops fall lightly on your brow.
May the soft winds freshen your spirit.
May the sunshine brighten your heart
May the burdens of the day rest lightly upon you.
And may God enfold you in the mantle of His love.

He who loses money, loses much;
He who loses a friend, loses more;
He who loses faith, loses all.

May you enjoy the four greatest blessings:
Honest work to occupy you.
A hearty appetite to sustain you.
A good woman to love you.
And a wink from the God above.

May the wings of the butterfly kiss the sun.
And find your shoulder to light on.
To bring you luck, happiness and riches.
Today, tomorrow and beyond.

May you live a long life
Full of gladness and health,
With a pocket full of gold
As the least of you wealth.
May the dreams you hold dearest,
Be those which come true,
The kindness you spread,
Keep returning to you.

May the friendships you make,
Be those which endure,
And all of your grey clouds
Be small ones for sure.
And trusting in Him
To Whom we all pray,
May a song fill your heart,
Every step of the way.

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STC (Senior Texting Codes)

Since more and more Seniors are texting and tweeting, there appears to be a need for STC (Senior Texting Codes). Here are a few to get us started:

ATD: At The Doctor’s
BFF: Best Friend Fainted
BTW: Bring The Wheelchair
BYOT: Bring Your Own Teeth
CBM: Covered By Medicare
CUATSC: See You At The Senior Center
DWI: Driving While Incontinent
FWBB: Friend With Beta Blockers
FWIW: Forgot Where I Was
FYI: Found Your Insulin
GGPBL: Gotta Go, Pacemaker Battery Low!
GHA: Got Heartburn Again
HGBM: Had Good Bowel Movement
IMHO: Is My Hearing-Aid On?
LMDO: Laughing My Dentures Out
LOL: Living On Lipitor
LWO: Lawrence Welk’s On
OMMR: On My Massage Recliner
OMSG: Oh My! Sorry, Gas.
ROTFL…CGU: Rolling On The Floor Laughing…and Can’t Get Up
SGGP: Sorry, Gotta Go Poop
TTYL: Talk To You Louder
WAITT: Who Am I Talking To?
WTFA: Wet The Furniture Again
WTP: Where’s The Prunes?
WWNO: Walker Wheels Need Oil

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Irish Birth Control

Mrs. Donovan was walking down O’Connell Street in Dublin
when she met up with Father Flaherty.

The Father said, ‘Top o’ the mornin to ye!

Aren’t ye Mrs. Donovan and didn’t I marry ye
and yer hoosband two years ago?’

She replied, ‘Aye, that ye did, Father.’

The Father asked, ‘And be there
any wee little ones yet?’

She replied, ‘No, not yet, Father.’

The Father said, ‘Well now,
I’m going to Rome next week
and I’ll light a fertility candle for ye
and yer hoosband.’

She replied, ‘Oh, thank ye, Father…’
They then parted ways..

Some years later they met again.
The Father asked, ‘Well now,
Mrs. Donovan, how are ye these days?’
She replied, ‘Oh, very well, Father!’
The Father asked, ‘And tell me ,
have ye any wee ones yet?’

She replied, ‘Oh yes, Father!
Two sets of twins and six singles,
ten in all!’

The Father said, ‘That’s wonderful!
How is yer loving hoosband doing?’

She replied, ‘E’s gone to Rome
to blow out yer fookin’ candle!’

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