Archive for December, 2010

Irish Toasts for the Holidays

I have known many, liked not a few, loved only one, I drink to you.

May you live as long as you want, and never want as long as you live.

May the grass grow long on the road to hell for want of use.

May you live to be a hundred years, with one extra year to repent.

As you slide down the banisters of life may the splinters never point the wrong way.

May your troubles be as few and as far apart as my Grandmothers teeth.

May the roof above us never fall in, and may we friends gathered below never fall out.

May there be a generation of children on the children of your children.

May the Lord keep you in His hand and never close His fist too tight.

May your neighbors respect you, Trouble neglect you, The angels protect you, And heaven accept you.

May your pockets be heavy and your heart be light, may good luck pursue you each morning and night.

May the strength of three be in your journey.

In the New Year, may your right hand always be stretched out in friendship and never in want.

Here’s that we may always have a clean shirt, a clean conscience, and a dollar in our pocket.

May I see you gray and combing your children’s hair.

May you die in bed at ninety-five years, shot by a jealous husband (or wife).

May your doctor never earn a dollar out of you and may your heart never give out. May the ten toes of your feet steer you clear of all misfortune, and before you’re much older, may you hear much better toasts than this.

May you have the hindsight to know where you’ve been, the foresight to know where you’re going and the insight to know when you’re going too far.

May you be poor in misfortune, rich in blessings, slow to make enemies, quick to make friends. But rich or poor, quick or slow, may you know nothing but happiness from this day forward.

May the frost never afflict your spuds. May the outside leaves of your cabbage always be free from worms. May the crow never pick your haystack, and may your donkey always be in foal.

May the sound of happy music, And the lilt of Irish laughter, fill your heart with gladness, that stays forever after.

May the hinges of our friendship never grow rusty.

May you live long, Die happy, And rate a mansion in heaven.

Beautiful young people are acts of nature, But beautiful old people are works of art.

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What we can Learn from Our Children

Author and lecturer Leo Buscaglia once talked about a contest he was asked to judge. The purpose of the contest was to find the most caring child.

The winner was:

A four-year-old child, whose next door neighbor was an elderly gentleman, who had recently lost his wife. Upon seeing the man cry, the little boy went into the old Gentleman’s’ yard, climbed onto his lap, and just sat there.

When his mother asked him what he had said to the neighbor, the little boy just said, ‘Nothing, I just helped him cry.’

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Teacher Debbie Moon’s first graders were discussing a picture of a family. One little boy in the picture had a different hair color than the other members. One of her students suggested that he was adopted.

A little girl said, ‘I know all about Adoption, I was adopted..’

‘What does it mean to be adopted?’, asked another child.

‘It means’, said the girl, ‘that you grew in your mommy’s heart instead of her tummy!’

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On my way home one day, I stopped to watch a Little League baseball game that was being played in a park near my home. As I sat down behind the bench on the first-base line, I asked one of the boys what the score was ‘We’re behind 14 to nothing,’ he answered With a smile.

‘Really,’ I said. ‘I have to say you don’t look very discouraged.’

‘Discouraged?’, the boy asked with a puzzled look on his face…

‘Why should we be discouraged? We haven’t been up to bat yet.’

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Whenever I’m disappointed with my spot in life, I stop and think about little Jamie Scott.

Jamie was trying out for a part in the school play. His mother told me that he’d set his heart on being in it, though she feared he would not be chosen.

On the day the parts were awarded, I went with her to collect him after school. Jamie rushed up to her, eyes shining with pride and excitement.. ‘Guess what, Mom,’ he shouted, and then said those words that will remain a lesson to me….’I've been chosen to clap and cheer.’

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An eye witness account from New York City , on a cold day in December, some years ago: A little boy, about 10-years-old, was standing before a shoe store on the roadway, barefooted, peering through the window, and shivering With cold.

A lady approached the young boy and said, ‘My, but you’re in such deep thought staring in that window!’

‘I was asking God to give me a pair of shoes,’ was the boy’s reply.

The lady took him by the hand, went into the store, and asked the clerk to get half a dozen pairs of socks for the boy. She then asked if he could give her a basin of water and a towel. He quickly brought them to her.

She took the little fellow to the back part of the store and, removing her gloves, knelt down, washed his little feet, and dried them with the towel.

By this time, the clerk had returned with the socks.. Placing a pair upon the boy’s feet, she purchased him a pair of shoes.

She tied up the remaining pairs of socks and gave them to him.. She patted him on the head and said, ‘No doubt, you will be more comfortable now.’

As she turned to go, the astonished child caught her by the hand, and looking up into her face, with tears in his eyes, asked her,

‘Are you God’s wife?’

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Why You Never Question a Drunk…

A woman was shopping at the local supermarket where she selected:

A half-gallon of 2% milk
A carton of eggs
A quart of orange juice
A head of lettuce
A 2 lb. can of coffee
A 1 lb. package of bacon

As she was unloading her items on the conveyor belt to check out, a drunk standing behind her watched as she placed the items in front of the cashier. While the cashier was ringing up the purchases, the drunk calmly stated, ‘You must be single.’

The woman was a bit startled by this proclamation, but was intrigued by the derelict’s intuition, since she indeed had never found Mr. Right. She looked at the six items on the belt and saw nothing particularly unusual about the selections that could have tipped off the drunk to her marital status..

Curiosity getting the better of her, she said , ‘Yes you are correct . But how on earth did you know that?’

The drunk replied, ‘Cause you’re ugly.

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Guys Weekend Away

Four friends spent weeks planning the perfect desert camping and riding trip. Two days before the group is to leave Rob’s wife puts her foot down and tells him he isn’t going.

Rob’s friends are very upset that he can’t go, but what can they do?

Two days later the three get to the camping site only to find Rob sitting there with a tent set up, firewood gathered, and supper cooking on the fire.

“Dang man, how long you been here and how did you talk your wife into letting you go?”

“Well, I’ve been here since yesterday. Yesterday evening I was sitting in my chair and my wife came up behind me and put her hands over my eyes and said ‘guess who’?”

I pulled her hands off and she was wearing a brand new see-through nightie. She took my hand and led me to our bedroom. The room had two dozen candles and rose petals all over. She had handcuffs and ropes, told me to tie and cuff her to the bed, and I did. Then she said, “Now, you can do whatever you want.”

So here I am.

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